I Has An Epiphany

I’m feeling epiphanated. Yes, that’s a made up word – it means “a caffeinated epiphany” – but portmanteau creation is not the point of this post.

I stopped obsessing about romantic relationships in the summer of 2008. I took a year-and-a-day off of being focused on finding the Other, and instead, found myself. I went to therapy, broke many unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned that I loved being single. Now, four years later, I am in a healthy relationship that is headed toward marriage.

Many things changed in that sphere of my life, but all those changes can be boiled down to this: I let go of obsession and control.

Now that I’m working in a 12-Step Program for codependency, I realize I embraced the first three steps in that area of my life. I definitely admitted that my life had become unmanageable, I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, and I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the Gods. I didn’t know it at the time, but for that year, I let those steps work on me.

So, back to epiphany: what if…what if I applied that same formula to other areas of my life that are unmanageable? What if I let go of obsession and control about employment/profession/following my bliss, or with physical health/weight gain? What if I decided to give up obsessing and trying to control in these areas?

I can say this: obsessing and trying to control in these areas of my life hasn’t gotten me very far, and still, it’s scary as fuck to say ok to letting go and letting life work on me. I stopped looking for a romantic relationship, not on a whim, but as a very specific challenge given to me by my spiritual mentor. Deciding to do this on my own, without “permission” from anyone else, would be a big step toward owning my own true power and releasing my death grip on life*.

I’m right on the edge of this, about to jump. It’s just about time for another deep change.

*(more on why I have a death grip in a forthcoming post, “The Fourth Step and How It Socked My Nose Though I Was Intellectually Unconvinced of its Efficacy”)